11.03.26
I like updating this site. It's a nice break from what my days usually consist of. In fact I've noticed that I'm actually looking forward for something that's not going home from work. I think that's nice. Even though I've made it a rule that I won't add more than 1 entry in each page in a day to prevent clutter, I have many things I want to add.
Though I'm kind of scared I'll lose track of what this site means to me if I add too many things. I've had the idea of adding a dream diary of sorts, just like the poetry section. But I don't know if it would fit what this site means to me. Not to mention the navigation bar is getting smaller and smaller. Maybe I'll change the CSS a bit to make the div boxes a bit wider? Who knows.
Fuuuuuuck, I need to go to work soon. I don't want to go to work, but I don't want to stay home either.
These past few weeks I've just been listening to music in my room. Haven't done anything productive. Don't want to. Don't want sun on my skin, don't want to hear people talk to me. Sleep is too boring. Everything is so boring. I can't focus on one task for more than 10 minutes, even the things I used to love. All my attention is on this site right now and even then I limit myself to 1 post on a page a day.
I dunno. I've still got time to delete this if it doesn't work out. But i've grown to like it. It's not a bad output.
10.03.26
Skipped work again yesterday. Somewhat. I did go eventually but they told me to go home 2 hours in because I looked like shit.
Well, not like I have an actual job. I help out my parents at their business. I get a weekly pay for it. I can't gather myself to leave my room. I know they want my help. I know they're tired. Why can't I do anything properly?
I've been nothing but a waste.
I steal their time. I steal their money. Every time they feed me, every time they clothe me, I steal. I leech. They kick me further down in life for vain. Do they expect something in return?
All is vain.
I should've committed to it 8 years ago. I go back to that day again and again. I'm 14. I have a round swing in my room. It's bolted to my ceiling. The swing itself was broken, so only the ropes remain. Had I committed to it, they wouldn't be burdened with everything I put them through.
I remember how scared I was through it. 10 seconds. I feel freezing cold all over my body. 20 seconds. I feel as if thousands of needles were stabbing me inside and out. I already know what it feels like, so what's there to be afraid of?
I couldn't commit to it.
I don't want anything from them. I don't want anything at all.
Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
09.03.26
Another weekend wasted. Another set of plans not followed through.
When I look back on my life, I can't remember anything being different. I went to school, then I came home. Talked to a few people. Stayed quiet for the most part. Messed up chances at relationships. Ended relationships due to being an inexperienced kid. Hurt people, some for no reason. All the while, I came home and wasted my life some more.
School became college. I barely attended, skipped classes to smoke. Dropped out with debt. Started working minimum-wage jobs and coming back home. Had one adult relationship; it ended in ruin. Lost my job then, slept outside. Almost got robbed at a homeless shelter, had to sleep at a mall. All this only to end up having to break up with her.
And after all this, I am back in my room. Wasting my time. Haven't been able to trust people as much since. I'm at a point where I don't want to change anything. I just want out. I've always wanted out.
Oh, how I long to be reborn in a cocoon. When I awake, I could be tended by kind, loving women with halos and wings. They listen to my story. They give me a name. I didn't like the idea of a job or money in this life anyway. I would much rather get stamps to buy stuff with. A sense of community and belonging.
No wonder isekai is a huge genre in Japan! But alas, I am stuck in my prison of flesh and bone, unoccupied by a soul.
08.03.26
I updated the site a bit.
I've included songs I listen to. Also added my contact information. Don't think anyone will bother to reach out, but it's a nice thought.
I had some plans for today, but didn't bother to set an alarm, so I woke up way later than I wanted to. I feel bad about it, but I also don't have the energy to do much anyway. I guess I'll waste today as well. Just like how I will waste tomorrow and the day after and so on. I've also been really lethargic lately. I wake up, and in 2 or 3 hours I'm already sleepy. Dunno why.
I'll probably spend this day playing Minecraft or something.
07.03.26
I made another site, yet again.
Another project to get my mind off of things, another attempt to leave some sort of proof of my existence in this world.
I don't even know if I'll keep this thing up tomorrow. Honestly might delete it or something. I don't want to put an "About Me" section in this site. Sharing pieces of your soul with people just for them to forget you is too painful to bother. I guess that's just a part of life. A part no one likes.
I'm so tired.