This website will no longer be updated on Neocities. Please check the Nekoweb site.
01.04.26
Someone sent me an e-mail last night, after I had lost hope that anyone would reach out. It was really nice. Thank you for checking up on me and for adding to my Haibane Renmei folder! If you're reading this, hello! :-)
Also, I've come to the conclusion that my "current" (more like for the past 11-12 years) state of mind is not suitable long-term. If I may have even the slightest chance to be somebody else, I have to accept some sort of outside help. I already don't trust psychiatry, due to what I spoke of before and previous experiences with my 8th grade school counsellor. Instead of reaching out to such people I've done my own research and after researching and cross referencing side effects I've decided on trying out a type of Fluoxetine. The specific one I chose is basically a watered down version of Prozac you can get over the counter. I took 20 mg an hour ago after I've had an actual breakfast for the first time in... ever? I made scrambled eggs with bacon and added black pepper on it. On the side I had a small tomato and a cucumber. It was fine but I feel kinda bad for eating it for some reason. I hope the medicine won't suck too much. Truth be told a good reason why I chose this specific one was because it was also being used to treat bulimia nervosa. Now I'm not bulimic, (not anymore at least) but I did like that it will take away my appetite. So basically it was the only medicine I found that didn't suck too much.
Lastly, I've decided to move this site over to Nekoweb. I've read some horror stories online about users with the NSFW tag getting their sites deleted without warning, and I fear for this place. I've already downloaded my entire site and I will do so again after I write this entry. In the future you'll find me over at https://anhedonia.nekoweb.org/.
(i fucked up the dashboard, so the site seems empty for now. but i do own the domain)
31.03.26
Excuse the clusterfuck that was yesterday's entry.
Still, there are not enough words on the english lexicon that could even begin to summarize my distain for "psychiatry" and its "institutions". I don't see the psychiatric system as broken, in fact, if you put two and two together, it's easy to understand that the system works exactly as intended. It's designed against the individual, not for the individual. This is why despite the billions of dollars that are funneled to the "healhcare" system, every "medicine" they come up with always has terrible side effects. This is all designed to dull your senses and make you compliant with the system. It's no different than drugging cattle before bringing them to slaughterhouses so they won't even think of going anywhere else. This is made worse tenfold by the capitalist system that rewards this behavior. Sell FDA approved "medicine" that dulls people, give them mind-altering drugs that make them work the capitalist machine without thought or "improper" behavior, and you got yourself legal backing and taxpayer money. One such example of companies lying to the masses to sell them bullshit medicine is, unsurprisingly, Olanzapine. In 2006, documents were leaked that the company behind Olanzapine had spent time and resources to engage in a disinformation campaign to downplay the drug's side effects.
Source (Zyprexa is another name for Olanzapine)
That's what a money motivated sociopathic system does. It perverts natural healthcare, such as sunlight, 8 hours of undisturbed sleep, real food that won't give you cancer, and proper social bonding. Get rid of these things, and you got yourself a framework for a society that needs artificial life systems. Because let's be real, what's more important, keeping people healthy and in their natural state of mind? Or deepening your pockets with currency that may or may not exist yet?
Ever wonder why most psychiatrists are so keen on giving you life altering antipsychotics instead of actually putting in the work to listen? The guy I spoke to yesterday, (more like tried to speak to) kept putting me off and told me to get to the point. When I told him again and again that I just want to get help for my ADHD, he prescribed me with something that would've royally fucked me over without consulting me about it. In fact, he told me that the only side effects I would experience would be sleepiness, mild discomfort (lol) and weight gain. He was also adamant that I visit him once a month for the next 8-9 months "or more". I'm just another life-long customer, huh? And when would my "treatment" be complete? When you keep upping my dose, and having me buy more bullshit medicine? Fucking vulture.
Of course I won't be taking your Resident Evil Umbrella Corp. drug, dickhead. Don't expect me next month.
30.03.26
Went to a psychiatrist for the first time in 9 years today. Normally I wanted to get started with ADHD properly, but apparently I told the guy wayyy too much and ended up getting antipsychotics prescribed instead. Fuck me I guess.
I just hope it won't make me an even bigger idiot than I already am. And the weight gain sounds fucking horrifying, even though he said there'd be no side effects other than mild discomfort. I didn't believe that when he said it anyway. Would've been nice to be told the truth from the get-go.
I think he gave it for the Bipolar, more than anything else. Dunno. I seriously hope it won't fuck me up big time. Kinda scared about it especially the weight gain part. I don't think I'll be able to move on from gaining permanent weight. This will actually be the final drop for me. Extra weight of all things.
I told my mom again and again that the guy gave me the wrong meds, but she kept saying "trust the process, he knows best" yeah, knows best on how to make me a lifetime customer. Have fun dragging me around when I lose the last pieces of my soul and I'm nothing more than an empty husk.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. FUCKING EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME. FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK........... Can't do shit right.
29.03.26
My cousin came home today. Went to visit.
Seemed fine at first, hi, how are you, etc. Forced small talk to not fall to the awkwardness of not wanting to admit that you didn't do anything worth bringing up.
Anyway they bring out alcohol, and my aunt asks me if I wanted to help. I said sure, I like to help out. So I'm in the kitchen making an awesome fruit salad.
And I overhear them talking. I don't want to pry because it's rude, but the kitchen is on the other side of the living room and there's no door to keep the noise out. So I'm forced to listen.
I overhear my aunt talking about me and my mom. About how tired she is and how much she works. She then calls me insane and ungrateful. Because of how much my mom works and I'm not happy or some shit.
What does that have to do with anything? Did they do this on purpose, knowing I could've heard them?
And she's probably right, anyway. My mom does work a lot. And I just leech and leech. I'm a bloodsucking parasite.
Fuck, I really need to save these people from me.
The fruit salad tasted really good.
28.03.26
For the rest of the earth’s organisms, existence is relatively uncomplicated. Their lives are about three things: survival, reproduction, death—and nothing else. But we know too much to content ourselves with surviving, reproducing, dying—and nothing else. We know we are alive and know we will die. We also know we will suffer during our lives before suffering—slowly or quickly—as we draw near to death. This is the knowledge we “enjoy” as the most intelligent organisms to gush from the womb of nature. And being so, we feel shortchanged if there is nothing else for us than to survive, reproduce, and die. We want there to be more to it than that, or to think there is. This is the tragedy: Consciousness has forced us into the paradoxical position of striving to be unself-conscious of what we are—hunks of spoiling flesh on disintegrating bones.
Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race
26.03.26
I don't even know if I want to write anymore.
Even if I do, it'll always be the same shit. The same shit that's looped through my mind for almost a decade. The same shit that will keep pouring out of me like putrid feces or rotting egg whites, the same shit that I scoop back up to keep going. The same shit my mind forgets only to be strangled with once more.
Had to deal with him again, over a coat I wanted to wear to go out. Heard all sorts of labels and words over it.
I didn't really care, not because I'll pretend words are just words, because they're not. But because I'm used to this by now.
For years I've grown accustomed to having my sense of self taken apart first thing in the morning, so again, it was all static noise. I'm just glad this time around it didn't end up physical, though it seemed close.
I don't know. Unless someone dies, I won't be getting out of this situation. Preferably that's me, because I don't want to inconvenience anyone.
I know he hates me. This isn't just self-hatred talking. I see it in the way he looks at me. I see it in the way he sighs. Not to mention he reminds me every time he can.
Screaming about how I look like a homeless drug dealer because of the way I dress, screaming about how I'm supposed to have five girls fight over me because I'm "attractive".
Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but the thought of people having a possible altercation over me is a disgusting concept to begin with. The last thing I want is to cause harm to anybody in any way shape or form. Not to mention, I do not nor do I wish to see the appeal in reducing individuals to "choices" I can mate with. Because when you take away all the fancy words, the warm fuzzy feelings, this is all there is to it. It's chemicals and pheremones firing off in your brain that say, "Hey, this human is compatible with your DNA! Fuck!"
Well, I'm sorry I've grown to have my own personality instead of the extension of you you want me to be, dickwad.
22.03.26
I messed up the university entrance exams again. Don't know how many times I did this now, don't care to count anyway.
Apparently the last time to get entry into the exams was in March 6 so, I guess I am a bit late. (lol) To be fair I didn't even attempt to look up when they were. It doesn't mean anything to me.
I did have to deal with my mom again. She keeps reminding me of how much of a waste I am. I think I've grown to be resistant against her because I didn't really care. It was just static noise.
This changes nothing. It wouldn't have changed anything either way. What a waste! What a waste I am! An embarassing pile of shit. 5 pounds of shit in a 3 pound bag. Something less than an individual. A thing that does not deserve to be in the animalia kingdom in the first place! A small piece of black mold releasing pores in a rotting ceiling has more purpose in it's existence than "I" do on this earth.
Nothing I do goes right, nothing! There has never been a single moment in my life where something I did bore fruit. I am a waste of space, a waste of time, I steal, I leech from people! Time, money, love, patience. I take and I take and I take and I never give. Not once! I am a punishment to everyone around me. Everyone that has had the misfortune to be in my presence, they all regretted it! I need to die!
Even then, I can't feel much! I can't! What a revolting way to experience the universe! What a waste of bio-mass! What a waste of a conciousness!
It'll be like getting a flu shot. It'll sting and then it'll be over. I just need to be brave.
16.03.26
It always goes like this. I'm incredibly sad then I'm incrediby happy. I don't know how in the fuck I did not notice the pattern sooner.
Today started out shitty, sure. Woke up rotting, went in to get my phone screen fixed, guy kept bugging me about removing the password, I said I didn't want to, and he told me to fuck off elsewhere? (lmao) Then surprisingly I had a good mood, after a few hours I crash again. Always the same shit.
They tell me to look toward my future.
The lady we work with, her son is 16. Dreams of buying a car or something. Good for him I suppose.
They ask me why I don't have similar "dreams" or "goals". Why the fuck would I?
Okay, let's say I work hard, and I get a car. Now what? Get a romantic partner. Okay, I got a romantic partner, despite not wanting one in the first place. Now what? Okay, now have kids, despite not wanting kids at all. Now what? Now I'm just magically happy? I don't want any of those things. I don't want anything. And this isn't a "depressive episode" I don't want those things at all.
I see no value in any of those things. To me a car is just a tool to go from point A to point B. I never saw it as something "flashy" like my dad makes it out to be. If you try to look cool with a car I'm going to assume you're a parasitic leech with nothing of value to show besides how happily you gave your money to somebody else. But look at my car, look at my new phone, right?
Oh, look guys, I have a romantic partner. That means I have reproductive rights. That puts me above you and you and you in the tribe. Of course, there's the likelihood statistic that they'll cheat on me, and I'll regret it, but look how good we look together!
Look at my kids! They're my joy and pride! Huh, what do you mean I'm forcing them to exist without their consent? You're just a loser anti-natalist. They'll be PERFECTLY fine in this PERFECTLY fine world, which we have PERFECTLY preserved. I KNOW humans are degenerating with every generation, but my offspring will change the world! Yeah, sure buddy.
I loathe materialism. I loathe money. I loathe what they do to people and to human civilisation.
What the fuck do I do? Do I just die in my room like Gregor Samsa?
15.03.26
It's my birthday. That's about it.
12.03.26
My mood is all over the place.
For the past 5 days, I've been suicidally depressed. Yesterday, after the last entry I went to work, and in a few hours I was over the moon. I listened to music, I sang on the way home (quietly), and actually did something at home. Even if it was playing some games. Because I actually enjoyed it for once.
Now I'm back to where I was, somewhat. Just in-between these two extremes.
I don't know what's up with me. Looking back, I've been this way for years. My mood has always been all over the place. I don't know why I've never noticed this sooner. I guess when I was down I didn't care to notice, when I felt better I didn't think it was something I'd need to notice.
I knew and was told by professionals to have ADHD, but on top of that, possibly bipolar? Fuck, I don't want to deal with that.
I'm almost 22 now. And I'm still like a child. Don't know what I did in a previous life to deserve this, but it must've been bad.
11.03.26
I like updating this site. It's a nice break from what my days usually consist of. In fact I've noticed that I'm actually looking forward for something that's not going home from work. I think that's nice. Even though I've made it a rule that I won't add more than 1 entry in each page in a day to prevent clutter, I have many things I want to add.
Though I'm kind of scared I'll lose track of what this site means to me if I add too many things. I've had the idea of adding a dream diary of sorts, just like the poetry section. But I don't know if it would fit what this site means to me. Not to mention the navigation bar is getting smaller and smaller. Maybe I'll change the CSS a bit to make the div boxes a bit wider? Who knows.
Fuuuuuuck, I need to go to work soon. I don't want to go to work, but I don't want to stay home either.
These past few weeks I've just been listening to music in my room. Haven't done anything productive. Don't want to. Don't want sun on my skin, don't want to hear people talk to me. Sleep is too boring. Everything is so boring. I can't focus on one task for more than 10 minutes, even the things I used to love. All my attention is on this site right now and even then I limit myself to 1 post on a page a day.
I dunno. I've still got time to delete this if it doesn't work out. But i've grown to like it. It's not a bad output.
10.03.26
Skipped work again yesterday. Somewhat. I did go eventually but they told me to go home 2 hours in because I looked like shit.
Well, not like I have an actual job. I help out my parents at their business. I get a weekly pay for it. I can't gather myself to leave my room. I know they want my help. I know they're tired. Why can't I do anything properly?
I've been nothing but a waste.
I steal their time. I steal their money. Every time they feed me, every time they clothe me, I steal. I leech. They kick me further down in life for vain. Do they expect something in return?
All is vain.
I should've committed to it 8 years ago. I go back to that day again and again. I'm 14. I have a round swing in my room. It's bolted to my ceiling. The swing itself was broken, so only the ropes remain. Had I committed to it, they wouldn't be burdened with everything I put them through.
I remember how scared I was through it. 10 seconds. I feel freezing cold all over my body. 20 seconds. I feel as if thousands of needles were stabbing me inside and out. I already know what it feels like, so what's there to be afraid of?
I couldn't commit to it.
I don't want anything from them. I don't want anything at all.
Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
09.03.26
Another weekend wasted. Another set of plans not followed through.
When I look back on my life, I can't remember anything being different. I went to school, then I came home. Talked to a few people. Stayed quiet for the most part. Messed up chances at relationships. Ended relationships due to being an inexperienced kid. Hurt people, some for no reason. All the while, I came home and wasted my life some more.
School became college. I barely attended, skipped classes to smoke. Dropped out with debt. Started working minimum-wage jobs and coming back home. Had one adult relationship; it ended in ruin. Lost my job then, slept outside. Almost got robbed at a homeless shelter, had to sleep at a mall. All this only to end up having to break up with her.
And after all this, I am back in my room. Wasting my time. Haven't been able to trust people as much since. I'm at a point where I don't want to change anything. I just want out. I've always wanted out.
Oh, how I long to be reborn in a cocoon. When I awake, I could be tended by kind, loving women with halos and wings. They listen to my story. They give me a name. I didn't like the idea of a job or money in this life anyway. I would much rather get stamps to buy stuff with. A sense of community and belonging.
No wonder isekai is a huge genre in Japan! But alas, I am stuck in my prison of flesh and bone, unoccupied by a soul.
08.03.26
I updated the site a bit.
I've included songs I listen to. Also added my contact information. Don't think anyone will bother to reach out, but it's a nice thought.
I had some plans for today, but didn't bother to set an alarm, so I woke up way later than I wanted to. I feel bad about it, but I also don't have the energy to do much anyway. I guess I'll waste today as well. Just like how I will waste tomorrow and the day after and so on. I've also been really lethargic lately. I wake up, and in 2 or 3 hours I'm already sleepy. Dunno why.
I'll probably spend this day playing Minecraft or something.
07.03.26
I made another site, yet again.
Another project to get my mind off of things, another attempt to leave some sort of proof of my existence in this world.
I don't even know if I'll keep this thing up tomorrow. Honestly might delete it or something. I don't want to put an "About Me" section in this site. Sharing pieces of your soul with people just for them to forget you is too painful to bother. I guess that's just a part of life. A part no one likes.
I'm so tired.